Pants Dispenser

Just a fun quote

2006-05-06T09:16:00.000-04:00

What is required now is a feat of linguistic legerdemain and a degree of intrepidity.

Thank you, neighbor

2006-05-06T08:35:00.000-04:00

Dear Manager of Building Across the Street,

I know you can't do anything about the behavior of the world's loudest garbage collectors at 8:30 on a Saturday, but did you have to throw away half of glass bottles this side of the Mississippi yesterday?

It sounds like a glass factory being rolled over by Chuck Norris out there!

2006-05-05T12:47:00.000-04:00

See what I mean?

So much to say

2006-05-05T12:30:00.000-04:00

So, for starters, my wish that I could have the original Star Wars trilogy (Episodes IV-VI) without all of that crappy re-release special effects, subtle scene and plot changes, and general "CGI spiffyness" (read: stuff I hated) will be granted in September, in a limited edition re-release of the Star Wars Trilogy. I will take any of you mofos on in Star Wars trivia, and you better believe I'm buying these bad boys.

Something wicked this way comes in the NYT Business section. Does anyone actually care what the captions in the print edition say? Check out the photo accompanying this article. The article is titled, "Microsoft to Put More Money Into MSN" and the byline is Bloomberg News. But the caption on the photo of M$FT CEO Steve Ballmer is "Steven A. Ballmer, Microsoft's chief, gave a speech Thursday."

Did he? How great! "Yesterday, PDO ate lunch." Wow. All the news that's fit to print, huh? What a wonderful caption. There aren't many better papers than the NYTimes, but you're slipping, fellas. I'll be watching you.

2006-05-04T12:42:00.000-04:00

This is why the slide IS meant for adults.

Some Times you gotta Hold Em

2006-05-04T11:43:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you just have to stick to your guns. Like, for instance, our annual reunion wknd in the north country. Someone suggested that we should use sheet plastic instead of buying 4-6 Slip'n'Slides (I for one kind of like going to the Kay-Bee Toys in the Manhattan Mall once a year).

I'm fine with that substitution. But then the TODAY Show features this segment (how I managed to not vomit on the TV each time Matt Lauer got smug, I'll never fucking know) about playground safety.

Apparently, all the yuppies this year are getting birch or cedar swing sets for the kiddies. If the swing set is hung from a beam above six feet high, watch out! Here's the quote: "We find that once you get above six feet, the accident rate doubles!" Fucking true. I stick to my 5'11" guns, man.

So, after the fucking garbage about whether to use rubber chips, bark, or good ol' fine sand, and you get the high horse patrol telling us why Slip'n'Slides are so evil.

I'll post a pic of how non-evil/totally fucking awesome they are. Especially when used by adults, and linked together (imagine two tracks of 4 slides end to end) down a steep slope in the middle of summer. If you just got very envious of me, I am not surprised. But back to ye olde high and mighty:

Lauer the Tool:We need to do this quickily, because we only have 30 seconds.
Safety Slut: OK first rule: no parents- you're liable to break something coming in at a bad angle and with that much weight. Rules for kids: Parents must be watching. One person at a time. No one goes head first.
Lauer the Tool: Even though they show a kid head first on the box? [see this]
Safety Slut: Yes.

And that was it. Personally, I trust Wham-O with my life. I have for two years now and it hasn't been a disappointment.

Safe For Work, Unless You Work in the West Wing

2006-05-03T10:27:00.000-04:00

In case any of you missed Stephen Colbert's awesome roast of the President and the Press at the White House Correspondents Association Dinner, here it is on Youtube. If you were gauging by the audience's reaction, he fell kind of flat. But those people don’t know funny. I know funny. And apparently the press is still hopelessly licking Bush's nuts. Part 1 embedded below, [Part 2] [Part 3]

PDO Salutes New Readers on this fine Wednesday.

I got free cupcakes at work...and I died a little inside

2006-05-01T22:23:00.000-04:00

So, for one thing, the cupcakes were totally overdone. Not overcooked, overdone. It was like someone wanted to make the best looking cupcakes ever, but forgot about what made cupcakes good. I think it has probably been years, plural, since I have had a muffin, much less a cupcake.

The cupcake had this perfect little wrapper on it, and the chocolate cake was moist and tastless. But that could have been ok. What annoyed me was that the cupcake had this perfect squat cylinder shape, and the frosting looked like it was cast in a little perfect mold. What happened to the "tast good" cupcake of says of old with the Betty Crocker frosting applied by a knife, dripping slighly off of the cup and on to the wrapper? It was like someone in Teldar Paper's communications and marketing department made sure that the cupcakes were the pastry equivalent of a glossy investment brochure...all done up and primped.

Ooooh it just made me kind of mad. That, and cupcakes are a shitty way to make employees feel appreciated. But it's probably better than yelling.

Tasteless Joke

2006-05-01T12:05:00.000-04:00

So the NYT on Sunday had yet another story about the guys from Goldman Sachs, and Merrill Lynch recently indicted on insider trading charges. All of them are children of eastern European or Russian immigrants, or immigrants themselves. They made about $6 million by trading in options and stocks [my favorite is when they bought Reebok options on inside information about its acquisition by Adidas/Salomon- and their actions tipped off federal regulators because the trades comprised 80% of the trading in Reebok options in one day]. It's kind of fun to read about how they did things like open accounts in the names of their relatives or stripper girlfriends.

The stripper in question alleges that she is too dumb to understand what was going on. Said a relative of hers:

“To expect her to know anything about the stock market is like expecting her to fly to the moon with a pole,”

Which I thought was awfully short sighted. She flew to the moon with a Russian, not a Pole.

The Original Crazy Inventor?

2006-04-29T17:48:00.000-04:00

There's this ad running on ABC Family (yeah, I admit it, I was watching Mr. Destiny this afternoon) that advertises Willie Wonka is the original Wild Inventor. Roald Dahl's 1964 novel Charlie and the Chocolate Factory which was the basis for the 1971 film, was a long time ago- but THE ORIGINAL?

Yet, the original Wild Inventor? To say nothing of Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, or George Washington Carver (you like peanut bitter, don't you, you commie?) what about The Absent Minded Professor (1961)! What a bunch of tiny-minded jerks.

Well, maybe the only inventor Gene Wilder ever played, but even that probably won't stand up to scrutiny, either.

Judas Priest Would be Proud of Us (pt. 1)

2006-04-29T17:35:00.000-04:00

It was a terrific night. Adventure, friends, discovery, meat and beer. Sure wouldn't;t have been the same without meat and beer.

JGW and I wondered what we were gonna do last night. And drinking and watching deal or no deal or cops could have been fun, but I thought daiquiris on the lawn would have been more fun. Lacking a lawn, we decided to barbecue in the park. Enlisting BN and his friend N, we were on our way by 1pm to having a fun night.

Nevertheless, after picking up some quality ground sirloin and chicken snausages (not going to find quality shit like that in my neighborhood, though the park is pretty spectacular) we were racing against time. By the time the four of us made it into the base of the forest, daylight was fading fast and we still had a bit of a hike to the barbecue pits along the river.

It was past dusk as we walked along the trail, passing a couple of casual walkers, some stray dogs, and some crazy kids who took a nasty spill on a downhill trail when they saw the dogs. Morons.

We arrived at the park on the Hudson, and discovered that there weren't any grills! We had charcoal, we had fire, we had meat. And yet, we decided to push on, Down to the rocks along the river. Mountain Man as always, BN led a major wartime campbuilding exercise, and we created a makeshift grill out of rocks and sticks. To be honest, I was a little freaked out that either the cops would find us, or some paranoid tugboat operator delivering an oil barge up the river would call the department of homeland security on us.

But we beat the odds. We made do in spectacular fashion. And then the magic happened. After opening our first beer of the evening, the Mountain Man had his first of several brilliant MacGyver moments. We cut the top off of the Coors can and cooked the sausages in it! A Dutch oven!

The sausages turned out great. It was dark, but the whole time we had a great view, and we never looked at our watches. We sat out on the rocks, tried not to fall into the river, jumped out of the way of the wake created by the oil barge, all the while completely concealed from view of anyone in the park. It was glorious.

Don't Call it a Comeback!

2006-04-27T21:57:00.000-04:00

I been here for years!

Well, actually, I should have done a first anniversary post or something. This makes something like 1 year, one month, of blogging with good ol' Pants Dispenser. Hopefully I won't have to write too many more posts on this shitbag computer. My new laptop should be here soon. MAN! it makes me sriously salivary just thinking about it.

It really does seem like crossroads time, though, you gotta admit. Job transition, seems like I'm finally doing a smart apartment search, but where has my head been?

It just seems like my creative side is suffering big time. So much to think about. So many balls in the air. Geez. And there are some shitty things happening I totally don't fucking need.

So I raise my glass and quote 311: Fuck the naysayers, they don't mean a thing!

Thoughts on the weekend

2006-04-03T23:05:00.000-04:00

As I walked out of the office in the early evening of Friday with MH, we saw2 what looked like free beer. It was. Lots and lots of freee beer from the chemistry folks next door.

Dear diary,

JACKPOT.

Thanks to the dudes from Denmark, Klaus and Klaus, we had an awesome time.

Please Call for Assistance

2006-03-27T13:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I wish AH knew how to make photocopies properly instead of sending me into a shame spiral.

More tomorrow.

Truly yours,

Xerox DC 265 PS

The Official "Deal or No Deal" Drinking Game

2006-03-27T00:06:00.000-05:00

You read it here first!

Set up:
Beer. There, you're done.

Preparation:
Each player, before beginning, must pick “evens” or “odds”.

1 Drink
The home state of the contestant is mentioned

Even Case picked –if you picked evens

Odd case is picked- if you picked odds

The banker’s offer is lower than his previous offer

The family/friends of the contestant shouts, “NO DEAL!”

Howie lies and says, “There’s a good chance” or “The odds are good”

One of the models holding a case speaks.

The contestant’s mother or father is on camera

The phone rings

2 drinks
The player rejects the banker’s buyout offer (NO DEAL)

Any case with more than $50,000 is opened.

3 drinks
The banker’s offer is larger than his previous offer

The $750,000 case is opened

4 drinks
The player accepts the banker’s offer (DEAL!)

Any member of the contestant’s entourage introduces himself as Aunt/Uncle [Firstname]

The $1,000,000 case is opened

Optional: Chug whenever the banker is talking or when Howie talks to the banker

iPod status

2006-03-18T10:10:00.000-05:00

Screen seems to be working again. Thank the maker!

Was reminded this weekend of something else

2006-03-12T18:39:00.000-05:00

This movie RULES.

Ice-T as a black man being literally hunted by some crazy white folks, headed up by Dr. Crazy himself, Gary Busey. Rutger Hauer and Charles Dutton are entertaining too. I edited, below, the IMDB plot summary for Surviving the Game (1994)

Mason, who lives on the streets, wants to cease his life when on the same day his two best friends die: His dog and an older man with whom he shared his food and roof. Just in time, Cole, from a charity organization, arrives and offers him a quite well paid job as servant for a hunting party in the Rocky Mountains. Mason accepts the job and flies with them to a chalet in the wilderness where they prepare everything for the four rich businessmen who want to hunt something "special." Mason eventually deduces that he is the quarry in question, and does what most of us would-a combination of running like hell and fighting back.

Bombardment!!!

2006-03-12T14:21:00.000-05:00

What I did Friday:
Bombardment!

What I did Saturday:
Bombardment!

Plans for the week:
Bombardment!

No, seriously, it seems like last night was frickin crazy. Usually my nights out in the town are with 3-4 other people, with 8 people being "kind of a lot." we had, by my unofficial count, a total of about 18 with a peak at any given time of 14 or so.

Also, last night BLM's girlfriend kicked me in the balls. That was teh SUCK. And we made hockey jokes. And I wrote down some hilarious shit in my notebook- some good material in the making. Also, I am the king of analogies, specifically the Darth Vader analogy and the Castle analogy.

We had lots of laughs, and drank a hefty amount- note to self: for some reason, no amount of sugar seems to make bottled lime juice a suitable mixer. Next time we're using limeade concentrate, or whatever we used for the home-made margaritas a couple weeks ago. So, the list of things which taste bad/worse mixed with lime juice from a bottle:

Southern Comfort
Absolut Citron
cow manure
cadavers

BOMBARDMENT!

Peanut Butter Feder Time!!!!!

2006-03-07T19:19:00.000-05:00

E!'s Talk Soup had this on right before the Academy Awards. Thanks, MHB, for making sure we watched every single Pre-Show.

But this was Awesome.

Weirdest SPAM subject line

2006-03-07T18:23:00.000-05:00

From: sutpwbvuxgj@hotmail.com
Subject: Your dick is your visit card, so make it big and make it hard. Try Advanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Pills.
Message:
lf you want to change your $ize, we can g1ve y0u be$t advice. It’$
> @dvanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Pi1l$.
>

Nice try at a limerick, fellas.

The Simpson's My Fair Laddy Awesomeness

2006-03-01T16:06:00.000-05:00

Totally nonsensical out of context quote alert: Bombardment! [episode recap via TVSquad]

The most depressing page in the known universe

2006-02-28T17:35:00.000-05:00

Is most definitely this page: the Apple - Support - iPod - Service FAQ. To summarize: U B FUCKED.

I know a lot of people have written in major publications about how apple is like screwing people because their devices are fragile and after trivial stuff happens to them you are shit out of luck. At that point it is more or less a better idea to just buy a new goddam iPod than try to get yours fixed. I listened to their furor and smugly tempted fate- my 20GB iPod has worked pretty well, despite a 3 month period where it wouldn't sync with my iBook, and when I accidentally stepped on it. The display is a little scratched but it was still working after almost 2 years.

Until last week. Now, it syncs with the iBook, and allows me to access the files I have stored on it, and it plays music.

The screen just doesan't work- though the backlight does. So now I have a 20GB iPod shuffle with some really cool playlists and Adobe Photoshop CS and Diablo II: Lord of Destruction on it.

Fuck.

No wonder congressional IPs are banneed from wikipedia

2006-02-23T13:43:00.000-05:00

I just found this: The Series on Drinking Games! A useful reference, it would seem.

Sad News

2006-02-23T12:05:00.000-05:00

Apparently the Test Icicles (who?) broke up.

Top five Puns I have in response:

I guess they just didn't have the balls to stay together.
That can't be true: stop breaking my balls!
Sometimes genius is two nuts for its own time.
I just can't stop bawling.
I guess seeing them at the Bowery Ball-room is out of the question, now.

and a bonus:

Eat a bowl of dicks, you no good reverb distortion hacks. Or was that
the other band?

You know you work for a nonprofit organization if...

2006-02-08T10:20:00.000-05:00

this might all be true for some of you fuckers.

* You feel no shame in asking the plumber if he'd like to donate his services
* You buy your own office supplies
* Everyone shows up for a meeting 10--15 minutes late, but everyone feels the meeting started on time
* Your title only accurately describes one-third of your job duties
* Your home computer works twice as fast as the one at work
* Your office furniture is so old it's moved beyond tacky and become "vintage chic"
* You love what you do and do what you love
* Your mom catered the holiday party food
* You have a lot of vacation time but can't afford to go anywhere
* Ninety percent of your coworkers are women and lunchtime conversation centers around caribou migration patterns
* The first thing they said at your interview was, "We have great benefits..."

Demonic Foods? Or potentially tasty vittles?

2006-01-30T15:19:00.000-05:00

Plan 59 has an intersting site about scary mid-century advertisements featuring kids, especially those for food products.

Velveeta Golden Glory casserole is no exception. Kraft, in 1949 published the recipe for this treat.

I submit that this would be tasty and at the same time totally unhealthy
and very likely to give me the shits. Lactaid? Hmmmm.

So what is the implication here? I fucking love stuffed devilled eggs.
DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been saying this for years

2006-01-25T13:00:00.000-05:00

A recently completed study of the psychological processes involving political decision making point to an absence of logic, fact, or reality. (Emory University Professor and NPR commentator Drew Westin). The press release seems to be here but I'm trying to get my hands on a pre-publication copy of the scholarly work itself. Thank you, Emory University.

From the press release:

The study points to a total lack of reason in political decision-making.

"None of the circuits involved in conscious reasoning were particularly engaged," Westen said. "Essentially, it appears as if partisans twirl the cognitive kaleidoscope until they get the conclusions they want, and then they get massively reinforced for it, with the elimination of negative emotional states and activation of positive ones."

Idiot Meat Theory of Relativity

2006-01-24T19:19:00.000-05:00

Idiot: "Einstein's theory of relativity is really complicated, and it can be almost impossible to understand what it means."
Meat: "That's E=MC2, right? What does it mean?"
Idiot: "When you go really fast, time goes slower..."
Meat: "...Because you get there earlier!"
Idiot: "You're catching on, buddy!"
Meat: "Thanks, and if you were to go faster than the speed of light..."
Meat: "..."
Meat: "..and you were in a MONSTER TRUCK."
Meat: "You...YOU COULD SMASH CARS BEFORE THEY WERE EVER BUILT OH MY GOD."

note found, date unknown, whilst cleaning my office

2006-01-17T14:40:00.000-05:00

I rate my fear level as low. It could mean I'm experienced. It could also mean I am stupid.

Area woman found to have Gono-sypha-herpa-crabs

2006-01-17T12:33:00.000-05:00

Hoboken, NJ (AP)- Area electronic mail direct-marketer and online dater Kendra Mackey was discovered to be a carrier of multiple sexually transmitted diseases, known collectively as the "Gono-sypha-herpa-crabs," and condemned by the court of pubic opinion to a life of servitude. Having contracted the diseases 18 months ago in a back-alley encounter with deadly hit man "The Ice Cream Man" (whose Mr. Softee truck is a well-known front for his kill-strategy of infecting vicitms with deadly sexually transmitted diseases) Ms. Mackey's exposure will surely end her streak of tryst advertisments. Her car has been impounded. Its New Jersey license plate, "JRZYTD" is believed to have stood for Jerzy Transmitted Disease.

Ms. Mackey could not be reached for comment. A spokesman for the Ice Cream Man read a short statement from Mr. Cream Man:
"Hell yes, I screwed that biotch. I think she got what was cumming to her. Er, in her. Er, never mind. Thank you. Go Steelers!"

In related news, Ms. Mackey's doctor met his premature end at the hands of feral dogs early Saturday evening in East New York, Brooklyn."

On Decadence

2006-01-15T02:36:00.000-05:00

I just watched two episodes of entourage from tivo, and it got me thinking about what about the lives of the chacters is so appelaiong to me. Part of it is the fact that the show is well written, funny, and says generally meaningful things about the amoral world of Hollywood, Los Angeles, and SoCal. In the episode "My Maserati Does 185" (still can't quite believe the Eagles greatest hits sold more albums than led zeppelin) Eric cheats on his girlfriend and also finds out she has been cheating on him. Vince suggests that the four friends go to Vegas and "have a wild and decdent time."

I like having a wild a decdent time. I've thought back to some wild times I've enjoyed, when things got crazy because a little moola was being thrown around, sometimes by me (ha, like I have anything except for debt to throw around) but also sometimes by others. I think this is tied in to what I want to do with my life/what I need from a career, but I need to think on this more.

Dear Yahoo! Messenger

2006-01-02T12:07:00.000-05:00

Please set my status to "I am currently being micromanaged. I have been in this status for 20 minutes. Call back when I give a shit."

Yahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Most Prized Possession

2005-12-21T14:55:00.000-05:00

My most prized possession is now the car voucher that will let me get home in thsi shit after the shuttle bus service stops. I will sing sweetly to the voucher. Oh, my pretty little voucher.

Can you hear my boss screaming/ do you understand/do you feel the same/ or am I only dreaming/ or is this burning....

2005-12-21T00:37:00.000-05:00

...an eternal hatred of everything about this job?

-----Original Message-----
From: Human Resources
Sent: Tue 12/20/2005 8:57 PM
To: All Employees
Subject: Friday, December 23rd
Sender: VP for Employee and Labor Relations

As you know, the transit strike has imposed considerable hardship
for members of the Teldar Paper Community. Next week, the Company
has holidays scheduled for December 26th, 27th, 29th and 30th. In
an earlier e-mail, I advised and encouraged those departments
without a 24/7 operation to consider closing on December 28th so
that employees could have a full week off. (Employees would be
required to take a personal or vacation day to cover the 28th). If
the strike continues, I would also encourage those departments
without a 24/7 operation to close on Friday, December 23rd to ease
the difficulty caused by the transit strike. Employees taking off
on the 23rd would still be required
to have their leave banks charged for the day.

I can almost hear the Bossy Monster cackling when I tell him this. But he should know that this is fucking exhausting and his dumping extra work on me is not helpful. Sigh.

Strike Strike Everywhere a Strike

2005-12-20T10:00:00.000-05:00

All I could think this morning was "I am tired of hearing about the transit strike. I get it. I am stuck in the traffic caused by the strike. 1010 WINS you can shut up now." But then they never covered anything else... it occurred to me that there is nothing else in the entire universe more important to my life right now...as I walked by a TV monitor on in the building which was tuned to CNN, there was a story about people giving/getting "Botox for Christmas." I just started laughing.

The Re-giftey Dance

2005-12-15T12:34:00.000-05:00

My boss is a re-gifter. It’s just terrible. He’s got that academic/eccentric nutty professor thing, but he never invented shit. It would be ok if he had invented Flubber or something useful like that. If you want to know about the economics of Asian paper distribution, he’s your man...but if you need to dunk on Wesley Snipes or Woody Harrelson in a pick-up basketball game, forget about it.

Everything would have been ok, if he had re-gifted us…good gifts. But it is clear why he did not want the tacky wood-carved salad tongs with Japanese aboriginal imagery on them. Or the tacky scarves. Or the pen. Actually, it was a pretty good pen. I took that. But most of the stuff is unlabeled, so even if I could sell it on eBay, what would I say? "Vaguely Japanese looking woood carvings...probably...NO RESERVE BID NOW TOP SELLER WILL NOT LAST”????

An Open Letter

2005-12-14T16:09:00.000-05:00

Dear [Every credit card or MTA hotline I have called],

I would like to get my money back. You charged my card and took my money but I got nothing. NOTHING. Oh, you need details- got 'em. I got the transaction time down to the second. I have the terminal ID and color. I have the name of the bag lady who asked me for change before the transaction. I know what the temperature and pressure were at the time. I know your name, the name of your dog and yes, I know the size of your mother's panties. She's ugly but kind of fun in the sack.

Yes, I'll hold.

No problem I just- ok, I'll hold.

Sure, no problem. Yes, It is P-a-n-t-s D-i-s-p-e-n-s-e-r. Yes, I'll hold.

Oh, ok. So, what's up? Three weeks? Are you serious? What happened to zero fraud liability? What happened to the networked economy and the digital revolution? This is my money! It was taken out of my paycheck so I could use it on approved goods and services and now you are ruining my game plan. You're fucking up my Christmas! You fuck stick. Eat me. Eat my ass. Suck a Wesley Willis album sideways.

No, I'm not mad at you, just the faceless machine you represent. I'm sorry I cursed. Please just hurry.

Transit CounterStrike

2005-12-14T12:30:00.000-05:00

Having had some discussions with friends and read some items online, I would like to propose that we have some kind of contingency plan for a Transit Strike.

EF, PDO, and AH will need to find a way to work. I think we need Boba Fett Jetpacks. I'll have to sell my speeder- but I won't get top dollar; ever since the t-38's came out, the model I have just isn't in demand.

Since road and bridge occupancy restrictions appear not to affect streets north of 96th, a driver from New Jersey could pick up Teldar Paper staff and park near the office without too much trouble, though there might be significant traffic....Until I open my Vulcan cannon filled with chain-fed .50 caliber whoop-ass! Stand by Ion Control!

BTW, some helpful links:

Gothamist: Stop Worrying and Learn to Love the Transit Strike Fear

Gridlock Sam

What it is?

2005-12-13T19:37:00.000-05:00

Hey, motherfuckers! Somehow it feels like today sucked so badly I can't justify staying. It told my boss flat out how disrespectful he was being, and I just saw how he didn't even care. Anger never solved anything. Why am I still here? Am I feeling guilty because I can never have a great week...The tension between me not caring and me wanting to please my boss creates ridiculous behavior patterns in my work. I don't know if I want him to know how I feel or if I want to silently punish him with apathy. Why would I want to help him after hours? I just want to escape, most days. I earn the respect of my subordinates because I need their hard work, I need them to put up with an office that is a wreck and my boss, who doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself.

I'm damaged by this job. I'm tense and frustrated. My back hurts, and my fingers are worse. I'm underpaid. I am a better person than he will ever be. He throws temper tantrums and I listen. I don't want to own a project he's upset about. I'd rather fix something than be chastised. He would rather yell at someone than fix something himself. I am holding so many things together what will he do if I just leave? Fuck. Fuck it all to fucking hell. It's cold, and dark, and I am tired of having to take five minutes to compose myself just so I don't do something crazy. Where is my reward for keeping my cool? nowhere. He doesn't care. Fuck it. He is not gaining respect for me when I throw his shit right back at him, is he? No. He lives in his own little cubbyhole of vanity, a little private nirvana of his own, blissfully unaware of his place in the world.

Just how could my life get so good

2005-12-01T14:45:00.000-05:00

Today, my pants arrived (cf. here) my new TiVo arrived, and I got a reimbursement check. And yesterday I found out I am getting the complete Calvin and Hobbes. ROCK!

Why are we here? They plump when you cook em!

2005-11-29T10:28:00.000-05:00

Question from Allison Hughes:Why are we here?

PDO:It's Tuesday.

AH: No, seriously, I need some TLC. Why are we here?
PDO: Do you like Hot Dogs?
AH: What? I'm serious!
PDO: So am I. Just answer the question. Do you like Hot Dogs?
AH: Yes.
PDO: Me, too. I like to be able to buy hot dogs. I need a job so I can buy hot dogs."

Post Script:

5 minutes later, from AH: PDO, I need to find another way to buy Hot Dogs!

Welcome to the first ever successful use of the hot dog as a metaphor.

car buying

2005-11-28T21:33:00.000-05:00

does anyone really surprise a spouse with a car on Christmas? I mean, wouldn't this be kind of a monumental purchase? What if it just isn't the most fun to drive? Don't people spend hours and hours trying to buy a car together? Days, weeks? It seems rather flip to think that a man making a decision like that will make a woman happy? Even if it does have the world's largest bow on it?

Sigh.

My day according to my boss, as told by my boss

2005-11-21T23:16:00.000-05:00

This morning PDO got up and was oblivious to how badly he screwed up last week. I will make him pay. I will smack his bottom if I have to. It's just after 8 am, and I'm in my office, thnking about how best to surprise PDO- because he thinks I'm in Montpelier, France. Ahh, my life is made more difficult by his every breath, why do I put up with his antics? I can't seem to figure him out.

Well, at least I got a chance to really yell at him. It sure made me feel better when I intimated that his incompetent management had made me so nervous that I cancelled a speaking engagement. That did hurt- I really wanted to orally fellate all those academics.

But why is it so glaringly obvious that PDO has no sense of urgency? Why does he not show me that he knows how urgently we need to complete this draft of this grant proposal? He seems calm, collected...is he relaxed and prepared to have a productive day, or does he just not care about my colossally important existence? The phone beckons...I must seek it out to vent my righteous rage. I am the best person in the entire world.

I just found 20,000 pesos

2005-11-15T18:39:00.000-05:00

Seriously. I am not rich at all am I? I just found a 20,000 peso note that was printed in 1989....how many times has the peso been revalued in that time? Let's find out shall we? Ok, so only once. But nevertheless Oanda.com sheds light on the matter. On November 15, this piece of currency was worth a staggering.... $US 1.87..[holy shit...what other number shit can we find from wikipedia? What does it say under 420?]....Many mistake April 20 as being the day Bob Marley, a famous rastafarian musician, died. The actual date he died is May 11 (ahem!).....In the movie Pulp Fiction, the clocks in the pawnshop are set to 4:20. (It is often erroneously claimed that all clocks in the film are.)......

2005-10-25T14:01:00.000-04:00

Right after Homecoming I started getting these e-mails from a group of
Tufts DU alums in my Gmail account. (NAMES AND E-MAILS ARE OMITTED FROM HERE ON OUT) I tried to tell them that they have
the wrong guy. It seems that pants.m.dispenser is probably their friend,
whereas pants.dispenser and pantsdispenser are both arriving in my
mailbox. I have repeatedly told them I am not the right guy. But, as
happens when people just hit "reply to all", there's no way to correct
it easily, plus these people are friggin idiots.

The up side is that things have taken a nasty turn. An amusingly nasty
turn. And it's even funnier to me that they have not even contemplated
that their friend, "Pants Dispenser," has not once responded. Maybe it's
because they are just calling ach other names and insulting each other,
instead of reminiscing or being *anything* other than dumb frat
assholes. I might post some of it here.

Quote of the Millenium

2005-10-24T22:32:00.000-04:00

"The secret to dating two women at once? Easy. Have two cell phones!"- Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick, on Monay Night Football

Totally on HBO right now

2005-10-17T00:32:00.000-04:00

Her Alibi (1989)

Pants Dispenser actually dispensed Pants at Homecoming

2005-10-16T21:08:00.000-04:00

Homecoming 2005 By the numbers:

Number of fall pledges: 1
Number of times said pledge showed up at the house with no pants: 1
Number of pairs of pants lent to said pledge at 3:30am Friday night by
yours truly: 1 (note: my blog is pantsdispenser.blogspot.com, though it
is named for an old David Letterman bit)
Number of brothers threatened with legal action by yours truly for
failing to come to said pledge's aid: 1
Number of times DLS asked our one pledge to stop speaking Spanish: 1
(and loudly!)
Number of pledges at homecoming dinner: 0 (whathefuck?)
Number of wicker tiki hats incinerated by JEC: 2
Number of charcoal briquettes used at homecomiung tailgate by actives: 0
Number of bags of charcoal found on the smoking porch after tailgate: 2
Number of logs used in the weber: 3 or so small ones
Number of hand saws used to flip burgers at homecoming tailgate: 1
Number of minutes of hail Saturday afternoon: approx. 2
Number of hours most of us were drunk Saturday: 14
Number of porn videos watched: 2
Number of times Jock Wilson passed out before 10pm only to reawaken and drink
more: 2
Number of brothers named Jock Wilson not on the lineage tree: 1
Number of punches thrown by brothers at other brothers: too
many. for the love of God, please stop this game. (see
what webMD has to say)
Number of passive aggressive pseudo-prayers by TPL to open
Sunday corporation meeting:1
Number of pages of LAST FUCKING YEAR'S corporation meeting minutes
available for review and approval: FUCKING 0.
Number of proxy votes written on e-Brett's Ass: 1
Number of proxy votes written on a pizza box: 2
Number of places found to be "lacking privacy" MN tried before
deciding to sleep FUCKING OUTSIDE: like, four or something. (or is that
FUCK OUTSIDE AND SLEEP?)
Number of positive or indeed brotherly words spoken to SB '72 the
whole weekend: 0
Number of Slip 'n Slides still on the hill behind the house: FUCKING
FOUR!
Number of mattresses still on the hill: take a wild guess
Number of pitchers or shots I was able to buy at Dunbars in 15 minutes:
Zero.

This was one of the best homecoming weekends in years. We laughed, we
cried, and Cornell beat Georgetown by a million points. Hoo-rah.

Area Woman: “I’m perfect for you, John Mayer.”

2005-10-10T10:55:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK, NY—Startling co-workers Monday morning with tales of a near-escalation of a celebrity-crush arms race, Teldar Paper employee Allison Hughes bemoaned John Mayer’s continued absence from her life. Hughes previously has idly dreamed about meeting singer-songwriter Mayer.

“My roommate and I went to Target in the south Bronx, and she said on the way home that she likes John Mayer. And I said, ‘I love John Mayer.’ And then she’s like, ‘No, I loooooove John Mayer.’ I decided I would have to back down so that we didn’t end up with hurt feelings, but omigosh- I love John Mayer!”

“My new roommate met him once in Times Square, how come I never have? Though he hangs out in Union Square a lot. How come I haven't met him there? We’d be perfect for each other,” said Hughes, 26, while photocopying newspaper articles. “I mean, he’s so great! He's smart, he's talented...he's so cute and perfect! It’s a stupid celebrity crush- don’t you guys ever have celebrity crushes? I mean, he could write me songs and talk to me sweetly…we were meant to be together.”

Co-worker Pants Dispenser Operator, upon hearing this for the umpteenth time, began a rousing chorus of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” and was immediately joined by administrative assistant Eloise Foley. A parody of Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Want to Wait”, was unsuccessfully begun as follows:

I don’t want to wait
Until you meet John Mayer
I want to know right know
Be Mayer Free?
I don't want to wait
Until you find John Mayer
In Union Square so he can say
’Scuse me.

"Don't let John Mayer offend your masuclinity," said Hughes, reacting to the singing.
"Yeah, right," countered Pants Dispenser Operator. "That guy is a wuss."

Poll: East vs. West Deathmatch

2005-09-11T22:42:00.000-04:00

Who do you think would win in a deathmatch: General Tso or Colonel Sanders?

New Orleans: When The Levee Breaks...

2005-08-31T09:24:00.000-04:00

I wonder if that famous Led Zeppelin Song will ever get played at the Superdome again.

Somehow over vacation, I claimed victory

2005-08-30T12:08:00.000-04:00

After a week off from the office, I emerge with a moral victory over my hellish office. I am take-no-prisoners un-fucking-fazeable by my jerk boss. let him try me. If he thinks he wants someone else to do my job, watch out, bro- I want someone else to do my job, too!

Ten bucks says I leave before you find someone else.

Fun quote of the Day

2005-08-06T14:17:00.000-04:00

"Do you know how hard it is to fake your own death? Only one man ever succeeded....Elvis." -Fox Mulder, X Files Season 1

new fax machine required

2005-08-05T18:43:00.000-04:00

PDO:i wish i had a fax machine whch would allow me to fax paper right up my boss's ass
RM : is shit flying everywhere?
PDO: if you see one around, let me know ASAP

New yet totally achievable goal for today

2005-08-04T10:25:00.000-04:00

Not being called a "skirt-chasing Hollywood metrosexual..." [Fox News]

Linkage: MyopenBar

2005-07-26T17:18:00.000-04:00

Myopenbar.com

Improv Philosophy

2005-07-26T14:25:00.000-04:00

"Hey, just because something is improvised doesn't mean it's not intentional."-me at the office today.

Bags Searched Redux-New York is now your mother.

2005-07-26T08:53:00.000-04:00

"Since the suicide bombings in London on July 7 through Monday afternoon, New York police had received 1,476 reports of suspicious packages or people, compared to 804 over the same period last year."[link]

But that, to be sure, is not the fun part. The real fun is that now if if leave something in a public space, the cops are getting called. This is one account of a 'suspicious package' that shut down subway service at Borough Hall in Bklyn along the 2,3,5,N.R.W. lines.

“Someone left their bag there,” said Det. John Sweeney, a police spokesman. “[NYPD Bomb Squad] opened up the package and realized it was somebody’s personal property and that was it.”[link]

Didn't your mother teach you to clean up after yourself? But this is even better. I have lost stuff in the city a couple of times. Once or twice in cabs, and a few times in other places. You just write it off- if you go back the bag or whatever is usually gone. It's fucking Manahattan. People would steal the sidewlks if they were a bit lighter (my current theory is that this is, in fact, an extensive mining plan designed to produce coffee grounds for those little cart vendors.)

But now, if you leave something, the police are called, and then you can pick it up later, as long as it's not a b-o-m-b.

RepCheck: License Agreement

2005-07-25T17:33:00.000-04:00

God, I love words like these [repcheck.com]: Solely to enable Repcheck to use Your Information and so that we are not violating any rights you might have in that information, you hereby grant us a non-exclusive, worldwide, perpetual, irrevocable, royalty-free, sublicensable (through multiple tiers) right to use, copy, distribute, transmit, publicly display, archive and sublicense any content you submit to Repcheck, in any media now known or not currently known.

Everybody's working for the Weekend at UCB Theatre's Del Close Marathon

2005-07-25T12:06:00.000-04:00

from recent e-mail from me to JS: "I went to a crazy office birthday party and then a party at my sister's apartment, but I was there from about 2am (the boston gang, I think) until about 7:45 or 8am Saturday. Wow. The shows were good, Harsh did not disappoint. I saw Rob Riggle kick the shit out of that trailer that was parked out front, and evidently I dozed off between 5:45 and 6:15 and they were going to pour beer on my head to wake me up. Horatio Saenz was evidently in favor of this. No beer was ultimately used, thank god. (M.A. told me about this after I woke up). I rolled into my apartment around 9am. ugh. I thought about going back but just never made it."

Here's what I have figured out: I know I'm out too late if the New York Times is already waiting for my roommate. Number of times this has happened since 6/1/05, approx 4. Number of times this past weekend: 2.

Unfortunate Name Alert!

2005-07-25T08:41:00.000-04:00

Imagine if your name was Doris Boris. Sheesh. Chills down my spine. Here's where I found this NC woman.

Women in Sports and the Glass Ceiling

2005-07-23T15:32:00.000-04:00

JGW: The unrealistic thing about "Sports Night" was that there were too many women. I used to work at ESPN and there were never that many women in sports broadcasting.

PDO: Well, I'm all for the glass ceiling, as long as naked breasts are pressed firmly against it.

NY Times: New York Starts to Inspect Bags on the Subways

2005-07-22T10:15:00.000-04:00

A Study in contrasts. From the Times article:

"When we did it [in Boston], we actually had people asking to be screened," [Boston Police] Chief Martino said yesterday in a telephone interview. "It makes them more comfortable knowing that it was being done."

As opposed to.....

Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.- Benjamin Franklin

Little Steven's Underground Garage

2005-07-20T17:13:00.000-04:00

Linkfest: Here's what Steven van Zandt is up to: spinning unknown but really cool collections of garage bands on the radio sundays- check your local listings. Shows are archived. See Little Steven's Underground Garage

Cover Letter Blues (no relation!)

2005-07-19T15:42:00.000-04:00

At my company, I review resumes and hire people. Here's a letter I received.

Dear Pants Dispenser Operator,

Please find my resume and cover letter attached for the position of
[yadda yadda yadda]

Sincerely,
F. Hussein (no relation!)

What an unfortunate name. However, I don't think I was going to call
him back and be like, "So, I've reviewed your resume. Do you have any
experience silencing political rivals?"

Wednesday Night by the Numbers

2005-07-17T21:14:00.000-04:00

Number of fall-down drunk party members before we went to the gansevoort: 1
Number of maker's mark on the rocks at the gansevoort: 2 for MH and 2 for yours truly
Number of models met at gansevoort: 4
Number of "last remaining table so you know it's right by the damn door but we don't give a shit" we buy for our party of 11 at pm lounge, complete with bottle service: 1
Number of bottles of veuve cliquot and belvedere: 2 each
Number of energy drink + belvedere's consumed by yours truly: 3
Number of people who passed out and slept in the gutter: 1
Number of dollars withdrawn at 3:30 am but not remembered: 100
Number of dollars left on Thursday AM: 42
Percent of tab at pm paid by uncle sam: 30

Typical Day At My Office

2005-07-15T19:09:00.000-04:00

Typical day at My office, courtesy of AC:
Pants Dispenser Operator: BN, how are you doing right now?

BN: I'm doing great, PDO.

Pants Dispenser Operator: I mean, if you were Justin Timberlake, would you be doing better?

BN: Oh, I'd be rockin' your body.

Pants Dispenser Operator: Dude, I would be so quick to walk away...~

I Wrote Bush's War Words -- in 1965

2005-07-05T15:45:00.000-04:00

This is poignant. This war is truly our Vietnam.

Area Pants Dispenser Dispenses Justice

2005-07-04T15:41:00.000-04:00

So, I called the cops on the firecracker motherfuckers last night. I got home around 5, and the corner of Sherman and Academy was alive with artillery spotters, firing their tracer rounds and illuminting flares into the great beyond. There was a great article in the New York Times about the neighborhood and the shenannigans of the neighborhood.

More Teldar Paper News

2005-06-30T10:52:00.000-04:00

Search for new corporate HQ for Teldar Paper enters high gear today. I'm on the move and now have a deadline.

Blue Horse Shoe Loves Teldar Paper

2005-06-28T13:16:00.000-04:00

The Mad Cabby?

2005-06-21T13:59:00.000-04:00

Cab Driver Chronicles. Interesting. It's AudioBlogging, by the way.

Just Unbelievable

2005-06-21T10:46:00.000-04:00

See CNN article- Lions free kidnapped Girl. And not the Detroit Lions, mind you.

So, that's pretty amazing. But check this out: "The United Nations estimates that more than 70 percent of marriages in Ethiopia are by abduction, practiced in rural areas where the majority of the country's 71 million people live."

So, like, they don't even have speed dating.

Friday Night by the Numbers (or...this one goes to eleven)

2005-06-18T23:04:00.000-04:00

Number of free shots of Chivas 12 yr at local liquor store: 5
Number of mL of J&B purchased: 1,000
Number of different fireworks launch positions observed: 3
Number of firecracker explosions heard: lost count at 56
Number of visits to Grandpa's Pizza before midnight: 1
Number of pizza places called at 1:00 am to get pizza delivered: 3, I think
Number of pizza places which hung up on us immediately: 2
Number of pizza places that hung up on us after we claimed we had ordered a pizza which never arrived: 1
Number of minutes we spent banging on the door of closed pizza place: at least 20
Number of minutes for cops to arrive: see above
Number of people the cops definitely didn't have time to deal with who were banging on the door of a pizza place at 2:00am: 2
Number of bars explored after "hitting" the pizza place: 2
Number of pint glasses purloined from bar: 1
Number of nasty (potentially prostitute) skanks MH tried to go off with from bar #2: 1
Number of minutes spent persuading MH of how bad an idea this would be: 5
Rank of next day's hangover, from 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst: 11

Food Fight

2005-06-14T11:34:00.000-04:00

So, now that I've moved to a new place, in a mostly dominican/minority neighborhood, I'm finding all kinds of fun things. One thing I've never seen before is a grocery store where Chicken feet and pig knuckle are sold. And I don;t mean that you have to ask the butcher, I mean they are sold in the refrigerated meat/poultry section, in little styrofoam flats with plastic wrap on top of them. Egads.

Attention Punks on My Block

2005-06-14T10:29:00.000-04:00

To the punks on my block who keep setting off fireworks: stop it, you little bastards. I am not a mean person, but I hate the idea that I'm going to have to call the cops on your little punk asses.

Why Crunch Mode Doesn't Work: 6 Lessons

2005-06-09T11:48:00.000-04:00

In this article, the basis for why doing things at the last minute is not, in the long run, preferable to cosnsistent 40 hour work weeks. Someone please alert my boss to this fact. I've never met anyone who does as many things with too few people at the last minute as he.

As you read this, simply replace "game development business" with "my job"...except no one is studying us.

To: desperate job seekers interested in careers in communications and media.

2005-06-02T21:46:00.000-04:00

From: Pants Dispenser Operator
Subject: Available: Shitty job with fun people (except your boss)

Benefits: meager compensation package. Hourly wage will approach zero as you spend more time in the office. If we could pay you less, we would.

Work environment: distasteful (understatement)

Number of expected traumatic experiences: please do not ask me, because I don’t know how to write scientific notation in a blog.

Health benefits: actually, these are pretty good.

Responsibilities: everything. No seriously- all that goes wrong will be your fault. Even stuff that your predecessor failed to do or did poorly. Copy machine fixing, fax machine debugging, your boss’s wife’s laptop.

Monikers you will inevitably earn: walking information hemorrhage / bottleneck / research assistant / roadblock

Cheers for US(Fuck me Up the )Air(ways)

2005-05-30T22:47:00.000-04:00

I'm going to have to fly southwest now, because you, US(Fuck me Up the )Air(ways) in your sstate of decay refuse to let me use my free ticket. bastards.

Favorite words

2005-05-28T18:04:00.000-04:00

sprummer. (n). when spring and summer can't decide which is going to come first—hot one day, cold the next. See also, this goddamn week in Manhattan. "Lousy Smarch weather."

Desk Entropy

2005-05-25T21:10:00.000-04:00

So, apparently I'm at PhD year 2 in my level of office clutter. Grrrrrrrreat!

Like, um, seriously weird in a cosmic sense.

2005-05-16T21:24:00.000-04:00

So, my school e-mail address, which is both a really easy target for dictionary spam direected at my alma mater's domain, and probably was trawled up by any number of web spiders or compiled onto naughty lists because I didn't really udertand that free porn in your inbox is not exactly free, has been getting some weird shit the last couple of days.

I deleted some of the messages, but I kept some others and they all seem to have one thing in common. Well, two things. The first is that there are no links, or embedded images, or anything even for sale, at least as far as I can discern.

The secnd thing is that they are all in German. This is fucking strange. What I don't particularly understand is why anyone would bother. It's like noncommerial spam, which makes even less sensce than commercial spam does.

Furthermore, the content is fucking weird. It appears to be some kind of finger-wagging remonstration about the Allied fire-bombing of Dresden during WWII. Admittedly a nasty affair, but what are they going to prove by sending this dusty missive out into the world now?

It makes me wonder if maybe I'm missing something? If they were trying to point out some kind of neo-nazi counterpoint to the Holocaust remembrance ceremonies, they would have A)been guilty of incredibly poor taste, all things considered...there is just no comparison, and B)they are kind of a few weeks late.

But maybe toying with that idea for a second, we would be saying that the origin of this message, forged headers and fake return addresses and all, is in fact a bunch of Germans who apparently belive the human race failed to adequately punish Allied air commanders for the horror inflicted upon the civillian inhabitants of Dresden.

I think of the Luftwaffe pilots who dropped bombs on London during the Battle of Britain and I am not all that sympathetic. War is hell.

Theater Plans Comedy Night

2005-05-11T00:34:00.000-04:00

I like to laugh at Oklahoma in general, but this is just far, far too much.

Wronged by BMG Music Service?

2005-05-10T13:11:00.000-04:00

A class action lawsuit was settled against BMG for their cryptic "shipping and handling" fees. If you were ever a member you can download the claim form here....that is, if you "fulfilled you obligation by buying one CD at regular price" (which at the time must have been like $30,000. The other ones were like $.01.

Anyway, you can get the claim form if you want two cds at 75% off and free shipping.

Slashdot Article: How to Leave a Job on Good Terms

2005-05-09T00:08:00.000-04:00

This Slashdot article has interesting/useful responses to the "boss gives you shit about leaving" problem. This post, though, had me in hysterics.

Requesting Immediate Evacuation from Noamistan by Helicopter

2005-05-05T11:20:00.000-04:00

If anyone has a helicopter that could evac me from Noamistan ASAP, that would be great. It's a hot LZ though.

2005-04-29T19:00:00.000-04:00

gotta love this guy

Heckling== The American Way?

2005-04-29T18:54:00.000-04:00

From a Story in The Dartmouth Independent:

Baseball player Stephen Perry ’07 commented that “the fact that the school is trying to squander free speech is utterly ridiculous. This is America—baseball and heckling are part of our American freedom—[and] to disrupt this is like punching George Washington in the face.”

See "Keggy" above from the same article.

We've got Gmail, yes, we do! We've got Gmail, how bout you!

2005-04-29T13:35:00.000-04:00

Informal Poll: How much of your Gmail are you using? I'm using "101 MB (5%) of your 2144 MB."

On vacation now

2005-04-25T02:02:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm on vacation. Enjoying the time in lovely CA very much. Visit with JHT was pretty fun, both in SF and in the East Bay. He thought the 'rents home was nice- flattery will get you everywhere.

I'm still exhausted from a hellrazing time Friday night, which had me rolling in at 6:15 with the intention of waking up at 7 to go to JFK for 9am flight. I woke up at 9:30 and left my apartment shortly thereafter. Just a lovely hangover, all around. Where did my last $100 go? Papaya Dog?

Most interesting thing about flight from JFK to Long Beach? Watching the two girls sitting next to me watching ESPN's NFL draft coverage. I saw that out of the corner of my eye and was surprised, but figured, everyone loves the Draft, right? Wrong. Every so often, they would start cooing over some draft pick, blowing kisses at the LCD screen. They were watching it for the hot guys - just like guys watched, with bated breath, coverage of 2004 Women's Olympic Beach Volleyball...HOT HOT HOT is what that shit was.

Butt slaps! Oh yes you better believe it. Yeah, that was an amazing idea. Someone was crtical of the uniform choices (If you got it, flaunt it), but I can accept that those choices were a triumph of packaging over purity of the game. Hehe, package. As in Misty May is one tight little package. Butt slaps!

FYI: "In 1996, beach volleyball became a separate Olympic sport. In the 2004 Olympics, a DJ played music clips between sets while female dancers in short skirts performed. This and the requirement that women players wear more revealing clothing than the men led to accusations that the sport was less respectful than other Olympic events." [wikipedia]

Man This is Funny

2005-04-17T22:47:00.000-04:00

Eat your heart out/RIP Jim Henson.

Cures...or Descriptions of the Symptoms?

2005-04-17T17:49:00.000-04:00

I had seen this before...it's like an animated after-school special narrated by famous celebs. But Yahoo! is running the following as a tagline for e-mails:

"Ever feel sad or cry for no reason at all?

Depression. Narrated by Kate Hudson."

I am torn to pieces over where to go with this. My first impulse is "to bed with Kate Hudson" but belay that notion for a moment.

Don't most advertisements in this subject area have a symptom, and then a cure? "Limp Dick? Cialis." This is like symptom, then the socially maligning name for your condition. "Feel like a sorry sack of shit? Yeah? We thought so. I'm Kate Hudson, and I'm pretty sure that's called depression. Also, I hate you."
Attack of the -ESSIONS. The contrast between this ad and cologne were just too stark. "Sex on a beach with Kate Hudson in black and white? Obsession, by Calvin Klein."

And that's your truism for today.

My Not-Yet-Written Autobiography

2005-04-09T02:08:00.000-04:00

I have tentatively decided to call it, Conquering Your Fears Through Battle Therewith: One of These Days I'm Taking Singing Lessons.

I proposed this to my sister and she suggested that I was crazy. I can't, at this point carry a tune past the point where people go, "Man he has no singing ability but at least he knows the words!" Which when you think about it goes pretty far when everyone is drunk or you're doing karaoke, or both.

But I take to heart what someone said to me in October: maybe I am convinced I cannot sing only because my father and my family have repeatedly told me this is the case. This can be learned, right? So watch out, world, I'm coming...I'm coming to getcha...beewow bewowow....Foxy Lady!

When an Ex Moves out, do you let her keep the bed?

2005-04-08T17:59:00.000-04:00

Do you keep the bed or get rid of it?

CH makes a good point. "I got rid of the bed. See, the bed is a trap. Any man who gets into that bed with her is making a big mistake. He just doesn't know it yet."

Wow. Fucking Sun Tzu there.

NEW UCB Show: Harsh

2005-04-06T12:43:00.000-04:00

Some of my friends are in the UCB show, "Harsh: Improv Tragedy. Not Comedy" which is funny only when it's seriously fucked up. Saw it last night. Tragic. Evil. Sometimes deadly funny.

Props

2005-04-05T16:06:00.000-04:00

props to BN. She's as cold as Ice, man.

Theme Song For Today

2005-04-05T15:08:00.000-04:00

Europe, "The Final Countdown." No question about that.

It's the final countdown! dooo doo dooo doooooooooo.....dooo dooo dooo dooo doooo!!!!!!

My First Interview

2005-04-04T19:27:00.000-04:00

I was interviewed today by a student journalist doing an article on the phenomenon known as "phantom cell phone vibration"; otherwise known as "whenever I am on vacation and have a secret dread that I will be called by the office or my boss and have to stop being on vacation in order to spring into action.

It goes like this:

Me: Hooray! I just woke up. It's 12:30 in New York, and I don;t have any messages! Yippee!

Some time passes, and I keep wondering if I'll get through the day without a call.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

I check my cell phone- did it ring?- nope, it was just the car.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

I check my cell phone- did it ring?- nope, it was just the elevator door.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

I check my cell phone- did it ring?- nope, it was just a police taser.

repeat throughout the day/week of vacation, transforming vacation into non-vacation.

So you can see that this is something about which I have some knowledge. I don't necessarily want said knowledge, but I have it.

Great things Often Surprise

2005-04-04T12:43:00.000-04:00

To the right of this post, you should see "Defective Yeti"- one of my favorite blogs.

In his Favorite posts page, I found this gem, which in light of the Pope's recent passing, seems appropriate, if allegorical only. And somehow a dose of perspective couldn't hurt for BN, as well. Soldier on, man.

Review: Sin City

2005-04-04T11:29:00.000-04:00

This movie rocks. Run, Do Not Walk, to see this film. It is gory, violent, masculine, beautifully shot, artistically scored, and wholly engrossing.

If you have ever wondered what comic book heroes would look like next to real people, check out Mickey Rourke's perfomance. He does an amazing job, and furthermore it looks like he's about 6' 8" tall and 350 pounds of solid steel.

Just call me Marv, from now on.