Pants Dispenser

Don't steal home without it! Quotes

Monday, October 10, 2005

Area Woman: “I’m perfect for you, John Mayer.”

NEW YORK, NY—Startling co-workers Monday morning with tales of a near-escalation of a celebrity-crush arms race, Teldar Paper employee Allison Hughes bemoaned John Mayer’s continued absence from her life. Hughes previously has idly dreamed about meeting singer-songwriter Mayer.

“My roommate and I went to Target in the south Bronx, and she said on the way home that she likes John Mayer. And I said, ‘I love John Mayer.’ And then she’s like, ‘No, I loooooove John Mayer.’ I decided I would have to back down so that we didn’t end up with hurt feelings, but omigosh- I love John Mayer!”

“My new roommate met him once in Times Square, how come I never have? Though he hangs out in Union Square a lot. How come I haven't met him there? We’d be perfect for each other,” said Hughes, 26, while photocopying newspaper articles. “I mean, he’s so great! He's smart, he's talented...he's so cute and perfect! It’s a stupid celebrity crush- don’t you guys ever have celebrity crushes? I mean, he could write me songs and talk to me sweetly…we were meant to be together.”

Co-worker Pants Dispenser Operator, upon hearing this for the umpteenth time, began a rousing chorus of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” and was immediately joined by administrative assistant Eloise Foley. A parody of Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Want to Wait”, was unsuccessfully begun as follows:

I don’t want to wait
Until you meet John Mayer
I want to know right know
Be Mayer Free?
I don't want to wait
Until you find John Mayer
In Union Square so he can say
’Scuse me.

"Don't let John Mayer offend your masuclinity," said Hughes, reacting to the singing.
"Yeah, right," countered Pants Dispenser Operator. "That guy is a wuss."


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